The Blues

Hello all,

Don't be fooled by the title. I'm very happy to be in Edmonton and I'm having the best experience of my life. I am just sorely missing meaningful human companionship. Meaning, lol, it's not that there are no people around. There are plenty of people around. I just don't have a lot of really deep meaningful relationships where I feel I can share my inner most feelings and vulnerabilities. Those relationships, I have come to learn are essential in life. For one year though I'm sure it won't kill me it's just the bluesy days like this one that sometimes get to me.

On a more positive note, here are some exciting and interesting current events about my life in Edmonton:
I just bought my very first pair of brand new ice skates!! I'm really excited and I have to find out when I can go break them in. Hopefully later today I can go.
I bought my first kosher sponges for our sinks.
I started to drink soy milk because its 400% cheaper than regular milk.
I've developed a chocolate addiction that is almost as strong as my 2-3 cups of coffee a day addiction.
Preparation for classes is getting easier but the motivation is getting less and less.-never fear this will not lead to burn out! I'm going to fight it with coffee, chocolate, and skype dates with good friends!
I had the best dinner in a month, just this past week- I got to eat dinner with Mordechai. [I put him on the table while I was eating dinner and he was messaging friends.] We hung out for a few hours like that. :D
I found out that there are free public skating rinks in each county starting in a few weeks. There is one close to Menorah Academy so I think i'll keep my skates in the car and go whenever i can!! :)
I just got an excellent lead to getting my first really good guitar. I'll keep you posted!!
I got to bake challah this week to help out a mother who bakes the challos to hand out to non-frum jews all over Edmonton [like 70 ppl!] every single friday. And I was able to spend time with her kids and get to know them a little bit. I especially enjoyed spending time with her daughter who is 12 because I remember being that age and it's really hard! [Go Liba!!!! You can do it!!! I'm your biggest fan!!]

I also heard the most amazing Drasha this week from Rabbi Friedman of Edmonton. I also added my own twist on it in the end where I share about Modeh Ani- b/c i absolutely love Tefillah and finding ways to make it meaningful! I hope you find this dvar Torah as inspiring, chilling, and life changing as I did!!

Tags: Measure for Measure, Hurricane Sandy, Renewal, Letting go

In this weeks torah portion the wife of Lot was supposedly punished Midah C'Neged Midah [measure for measure]. She had told her husband she was getting salt for the guests but really she had gone around telling the villagers that her husband had invited guests- a crime punishable by death in the wicked city of Sedom. She turned into a pillar of salt and as such was dead- so how is that a punishment of measure for measure. She's dead so she can't see the justice of it all. With the Egyptian's who drowned in the splitting of the sea they drowned Jewish babies and so they were drowned at different torture levels depending on how wicked they were. how are the two comparable and what is a midah c'neged midah really all about?

     Midah C'neged Midah is not that Hashem wants to punish and give back to ppl what they deserve. Rather that every single action a person does has a spiritual consequence and that's just the way the world works. Physically 'Every action has an equal and opposite reaction' says Newton. Well everything in the physical world is a reflection of a spiritual reality. Spiritually, every good deed we do creates a good angel and every bad deed creates a bad angel. We walk around and become those creations that we make with our actions. We create ourselves.... So a midah C'neged Midah is really just a natural consequence of what we have done in our lives and who we are.

     That there are two types of ppl who don't want to leave their home. Those who don't even believe something will happen, and those who are just so attached to their stuff that they can't let go. So the son's in laws of Lot didn't believe anything would happen but the wife of Lot did. On the other hand she was just so attached to her previous life style that she couldn't let go. Lot's wife was so attached to her home and her lifestyle of yesterday that literally- it was all she was. She was her previous misdeeds [the salt] and her home [destruction]. Therefore she was killed and turned into a pillar of salt. 

     Life is about changing and moving, about constantly recreating ourselves. But if we don't wake up every morning and say, i'm a new person- but rather stay attached to all our old ways, bad middos, and misdeeds, than that is who we will remain. We are those things. It's part of us. 

     In hurricane Sandy, destruction came with a warning. Two types of people did not evacuate when the warnings came. Those who didn't believe it would happen, and those who just couldn't part with their stuff, their 'toys', their comforts, etc. To some extent we are all doing this. We refuse to grow and change using excuses like 'that's just not me' and 'it's not my type' and 'this is just what I do and have always done' or even 'this is what my parents did and i'm not about to change that'...  Examples may be: There may be a bully out there who would like to do a good thing but stops himself because of his image and reputation. There are people who love Judaism but won't keep kosher outside of their home because they just can't fathom not eating in non-kosher restaurants anymore. 

     I can relate in many ways but one personal example that i don't mind sharing is that for over 7 years of my life I refused to cut my hair. I just couldn't fathom having shorter hair. To something as silly as hair- i was a slave. Spiritually I don't know if it was 'bringing me down', but certainly cutting my hair helped me define what my priorities in life were and helped me move on past very old fears and immaturities. While I couldn't cut my hair- it was all i felt defined me and, according to this concept, i was right. But after i did cut it- i discovered a world of me that was hiding behind that hair. 

     It's a really scary concept to think that all the things we just won't let go of, are creating who we are to a real extent and blocking off all the potential we have. 

    And just to add my own point- that's what Modeh Ani is all about. If a person would recognize and declare upon waking that today Hashem created a totally new world, an entirely new day, and a completely new me- than they would live life that day differently. I don't have to be the same person today as I was yesterday. They are worlds apart. Today I have a fresh start, and  Hashem believes in me today that I will make better choices and do it different. Why clog it up with old baggage and dirt if I have the choice to leave it all behind?

   As a wise man once said- the greatest gift we have is the ability to go to sleep and leave behind a bad day, to wake up to a new one, refreshed, and ready for new opportunities. So even though today I'm feeling a little big 'Blue'. I know tomorrow will be a new day filled with new opportunities and a new chance to make my world a different one than i've known until now. A new world, a new me!

Thank you all for listening!

Love,

shayna